its so hard to think in english for me these days. especially when im fighting with somebody in english, well, when i speak in english, im usually thinking in english too, so these days my brain doesnt work well to think about something in my second language... its really stressful especially when i wanna say something complecated, cuz even though i think and talk slow, conversation continues. im like a baby or something. at first i thought maybe im just tired and couldnt really think about anything, but when i tried to think in japanese, my brain worked! so obviously my english is getting worse now.

its so great that i can talk in english at least, but sometimes it hurts inside of my heart when i realize my english sucks. when i ask native speaker friend like "what did you say?" and they say "oh.. never mind..."
sometimes i try to think about english as a tool or something. but it doesnt work. sometimes i try not to speak in english at starbucks to foreign customers. its kinda evil, and of course it doesnt work either. even kids speak english!

at the same time, i know i shouldnt just care. im in japan now and of course i dont have so many opportunities to speak english, and i really dont need to use it either. im going back to the states this summer to go to school again, so i can start learning english at that time again. but when i wanna express my feeling, how much i love somebody, how much im sad, how much it makes me feel happy to see them, i can never exactly say what i want to say. what i say sounds really different from what i want to say. it sounds so cheesy when i say something deep.

i wanna stop this.